Did you catch that?

Shhhh! Listen, in the silence, did you hear that? Never mind. It is too loud in here. Wait, there it is again. Did you hear it? I hear a voice. I hear the voice. Everywhere. In May, the voice was the humming below the din of the noisy restaurant. In July, the voice was behind the laughter of kids jumping in the pool. In September, the voice was between the mutterings of the sputter of the motor. In October, the voice was among the wind as it rustled the leaves and trees. I hear the voice everywhere. There it is again. Did you catch it?

At first, I cannot make out what the voice is saying. That is not really true; at first I am ignoring the voice. And then I am fixated on it. I am trying to understand what the voice is saying. I wish silently that I could ignore it. I cannot figure out to whom the voice belongs, nor from where the voice is coming.

The voice just is.

And then I catch it. The voice is not slower, or louder, or more obvious. Nonetheless instant clarity, I understand completely. Could I not understand the voice because of my own internal thoughts? Were they arguing with the voice so loudly and for so long in hopes to distract me from the central message? Yet, once I hear the truth, I can no longer pretend. I catch it. I get it.

“You do not belong here!” And then again, “You do not belong here!”

But the voice is hospitable and says at the time, “relax, have fun, enjoy the day! Here is a great meal and a fine wine. But, remember your journey has not reached its conclusion. Of course if you are tired, you may stop for awhile and rest but don't get comfortable, you cannot stay.” Of course the voice can also be a cheerleader and says, “Keep going. You can do it and there is only one solution. You can do it!” But, the point is always the same.

“You do not belong here!”

And so, I keep searching. Repack the suitcase, reload the car, and start again. Not defeated, but relieved. I don't know if I would like to stay. I could make this version of a life work, but I am gleeful that it is unnecessary. And I gratefully continue the search.

Yet, I continue to listen. I agree, I do not belong here but I do not want to miss the change. I do not want to miss the moment when the voice’s message changes to the new message. When the voice says, “Welcome! This is where you belong. You are welcome to stay, as long as you need. This is where you need to be.” I will be listening. I will catch it, the first time. Shhhh.

~Julia